I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
