and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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