i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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