On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
