I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
