now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
