I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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