A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize