when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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