Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
