By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
