in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
