How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
