What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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