I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
