My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize