everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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