omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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