I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
