sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
