I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
