have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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