Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
