Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
