Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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