don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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