If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
