GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
