Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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