Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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