why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize