I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
