On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
