if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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