I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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