Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
