I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
