So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
