she looked like the before picture.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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