just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We left the knife in your bed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
