i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I cut my penus on the lid.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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