I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
