I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
