my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
