accomplished twins. life is a go
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
