He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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