You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
