dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
please don't ironically join a cult
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