mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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