if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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