WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
