Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
