Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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