My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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