I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
