I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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